Angels.

There were unfortunately no gay-related seminars or talks at Soul Survivor, which I was a bit disappointed about. But as well as aiming to equip myself for University and later life, I also had another short-term aim to focus on. I'd been asked to speak at Vitalise on the following Sunday after I got back (when I say speak, I mean preach, but I'm not using the word 'preach' as I've realised it doesn't have a lot of positive connotations with people!). This would be the first time I'd ever talked on my own, as I'd spoken with another wiser and much more able person before, but it had never just been me at the front! It was regarding the subject of leadership and humility within Philippians 2, what it means to be humble, and how Jesus complete turned our view of leadership on its head when he lived as a human among us.

Funnily enough, the first seminar at Soul Survivor I attended on women in leadership used Philippians 2 as the first evaluated passage, which made me smile! Here's the passage, and if anyone is interested in reading my notes then let me know!


The talk itself didn't go too badly; I felt like I lost it a bit halfway through and kept repeating myself, but I had some good feedback so it can't have been too awful! It was certainly a learning experience that I'll bear in mind if I'm ever asked to speak again.

But I wanted to share something with you concerning the aftermath of my talk, particularly regarding what someone said to me. Just to put what I'm about to say into context, when I was baptised a year ago I had to give my testimony to the congregation of the church I grew up in. I was immensely terrified, as I was essentially about to come out to the rest of my church, the people who had watched me grow up since I was born. I had a lot of worst-case-scenario responses going through my head; maybe I'd be laughed at, jeered at, maybe I'd be rejected by my second family, maybe I wouldn't even allowed to be baptised today.

I was, of course, for God would not have put me through all that for nothing! He needed me in that pool, and that's where I ended up a few minutes after I came out to my church, you could say. He was with me more prevalently than I realised, through all of it, as I was told later.

My best friend's mother who had attended my baptism, a very wise woman who I have an abundance of respect and admiration for, commended me for how well I'd spoken during my testimony. She told me that I talked with the authority of God, and - yes here it is - that there were two angels standing behind me all the way through, protecting and guiding me and the words I spoke. 

I did have to double-check at the time, she did definitely say angels. I mean, angels?! I didn't know whether to feel honoured, joyful or just downright terrified! I think I ended up feeling a little of all three. Retrospectively, come to think of it, I can't really remember any part of my testimony, so someone else must have been in control because I certainly wasn't! But knowing that I was under that much protection, and that I was actually that important to have angels (I mean, come on, angels) standing behind me - well, it made that day all the more amazing.

Back to my talk though. It only happened again. This time, another person came and spoke to me afterwards; a totally different woman, who would have had no way of knowing what had happened on the day of my baptism. She told me I spoke with complete authority from God, and that there were two angels standing behind me from the moment I got up to speak, sealing my words with this divine power.

Okay, so once is mind-boggling, but twice!? I thanked the person who told me this, whilst practically doing cartwheels of excitement and fear and joy and confusion in my mind. How on earth could God have a reason for sending angels to stand behind me, of all people, the gay one, the young and inexperienced one, how is this possible?!

I've learnt fairly quickly in the time I've been on this journey, particularly with being gay, that there are so many questions we can never know the answers to - or not now in this life, anyway. For some people this isn't enough, and that's more than understandable, and there are some answers that I will never stop yearning for. But, with some things, I find myself feeling at peace with the knowledge that God knows, and he's got it all sorted, and that's all I need to know.

So, with the angels, I have absolutely no idea why they happened to be standing behind me on the two occasions when I spoke alone in front of a congregation at church. Also, it's a little infuriating that they seem to like standing behind me where I can't see them, but thinking about this seriously, I think if I did actually see them I'd faint or something dramatic and unnecessary like that, which stands as more proof that God knows what he's doing and I don't.

But they were, and there was a reason, and it's utterly mind-blowing. I will most definitely let you know if it happens again! And if you know me and happen to see two angels standing behind me on an occasion, please inform me in a relatively calm manner - that would be very much appreciated.

This is the passage I spoke on, I thought I'd add it in just in case anyone was interested. I hope someone found my insights useful! And if not, I had quite an eventful evening regardless.

'In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

6 Who, being in very nature God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
7 rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!

9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
    and gave him the name that is above every name,
10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
    to the glory of God the Father.