The Red Pill.

In less than a month, I shall be leaving for university. I have no clue as to where my summer has gone. It seems, as per usual, change is creeping up on me at a pace that I'm both uncomfortable with and powerless to stop.

My grades were fairly good, and despite a slight bit of drama on the day I'm now actually going to Lancaster. It doesn't feel real, and I guess it won't until my parents drive back home and leave me there. I'm imagining that it might feel like the time when I took part in a German Exchange programme with my school a few years ago; I got into the car with the mother of my German host, and suddenly the friends and teachers that I trusted (and spoke English) were fading away and it dawned on me quite heavily that I was alone, in a foreign country, with people I didn't know, and there was nothing I could do to get out of it. I got myself (willingly, somehow) into this situation, so I had to see it through, albeit with gritted teeth and the little German I'd remembered from my classroom that was even further away than my friends.

I'm sure it won't be that dramatic this time. But that's the thing; I'm the eldest child, and I have absolutely no idea what to expect from this experience. I'm sure it'll be fine, as most things are, as I am when I eventually get used to things. It's just a little disconcerting that most of my friends are incredibly excited by the 40p Ikea kitchen utensils and 2 for 1 Pizza Hut vouchers that have presented themselves with our university acceptances, and not one of them is as nervous as I am.

I have to keep actively reminding myself that God is going with me, as He goes with me everywhere. It's at times like these though that the lack of God's physical presence seems to grow larger than His spiritual presence; I hate writing these doubts down, I feel like I should be satisfied with everything God gives me but sometimes the fear takes hold and the certainties you had before seem absurd now and nothing makes sense anymore.

I'm praying I'll meet a Christian on my first day. I'm praying that no-one will have an issue with the fact that I might attend the LGBT events and the Christian Union. I'm praying that I'll find a church I can feel comfortable and accepted in, and that I'll find it fairly soon. I'm praying that I'll find a job too, and a few solid friends, and a variety of good friends, and that I won't lose myself during Freshers Week, and that I love my course, and that I don't have too many books to read, and that I don't die of food poisoning or run out of money in my first week. And I'm praying that God will open doors and perhaps use me and my insecurities in ways that I haven't even dreamed of yet.

So even though I'm doubting that God is actually present, I'm still asking for quite a lot of things. I'm a bit of an idiot really. How can we be so flawed, and yet ask for so much? How can God even look at us and how tainted we've become, let alone listen to us? His grace astounds me every day. It shouldn't be true. it's too good a reality to exist. But He does.

People argue that a world without God is by far a better place; its better to have no God rather than a God who allows suffering to happen and who controls our lives like a relentless and detached puppetmaster. But can't anyone see? He has to deal with all of us at our worst, full of sin and hatred and human imperfection, yet still He loves us. And this isn't just love as we understand it, beautiful but sometimes a bit unreliable and limited, centered around the giver and not the receiver; no, the love that God has for us is completely unconditional, faultless to the point that we could never hope to return it in the same way but He doesn't expect it back. He died for us, Jesus was crucified and experienced the worst pain imaginable so that we wouldn't have to know what it felt like ourselves, even though we deserve it ten times over.

How on earth can we argue, therefore, that the world would be a better place if Jesus hadn't died for us? If God hadn't shook the world by its shoulders on that day and sacrificed himself out of a burning love for us? How do people survive, how do they breathe without it? How do they sleep at night believing that only darkness waits for them after falling from death's precipice? How can they stand living in a world that is void of any true, unfailing light that can't even be touched, let alone dimmed or overshadowed?

I used to think I knew what life was like for a time without God, but I had no idea. I just wanted to rule the world without thinking of the terrifying consequences that came with the notion that I didn't have a clue about what was best for me. I'll hold my hands up and admit it, I need God more than I'll ever need anything, and if that makes me weak in the eyes of some then so be it. But you just watch me rise with God by my side, and you won't say it then, because truly I am weak but it is God who makes me strong.

It is this strength that I'm going to need over the next few months, and its not going to come from alcohol or money or new clothes. I just need to keep reminding myself of that! I'm just overwhelming fortunate that my God is patient enough to put up with the times when I forget He's with me, and He knows what's best.

My girlfriend said a few months back that, being an Atheist, she felt like she'd 'taken the red pill' for those of you who have seen the Matrix, and believed that she lived in the reality that God didn't exist, and everything I believed in wasn't real. I completely respect what she thinks, and the fact that she has her own opinion on just about everything is something that attracted me to her in the first place (hiding your opinions in a Religious Studies class isn't really an option). But, in my opinion, I'm the one that swallowed the red pill, and reality isn't half as bad as the Matrix makes it out to be, let me tell you. Reality doesn't have to be a cold and harsh concept; reality is Jesus, and it's about as warm and hopeful as it gets here. Not the all the time, for don't get me wrong, life is hard, but living with a belief in Jesus is living with a permanent silver lining in your heart, and it''s pretty good.

I'm aware I've been rambling for quite a while now; it's nice to splurge your insecurities and thoughts every now and again, but not everyone wants to know about it! I apologise if everything you've just read makes no sense too. Let me know, and I'll try and explain it a bit better. But, yes, take the red pill, people. It's worth it.

Angels.

There were unfortunately no gay-related seminars or talks at Soul Survivor, which I was a bit disappointed about. But as well as aiming to equip myself for University and later life, I also had another short-term aim to focus on. I'd been asked to speak at Vitalise on the following Sunday after I got back (when I say speak, I mean preach, but I'm not using the word 'preach' as I've realised it doesn't have a lot of positive connotations with people!). This would be the first time I'd ever talked on my own, as I'd spoken with another wiser and much more able person before, but it had never just been me at the front! It was regarding the subject of leadership and humility within Philippians 2, what it means to be humble, and how Jesus complete turned our view of leadership on its head when he lived as a human among us.

Funnily enough, the first seminar at Soul Survivor I attended on women in leadership used Philippians 2 as the first evaluated passage, which made me smile! Here's the passage, and if anyone is interested in reading my notes then let me know!


The talk itself didn't go too badly; I felt like I lost it a bit halfway through and kept repeating myself, but I had some good feedback so it can't have been too awful! It was certainly a learning experience that I'll bear in mind if I'm ever asked to speak again.

But I wanted to share something with you concerning the aftermath of my talk, particularly regarding what someone said to me. Just to put what I'm about to say into context, when I was baptised a year ago I had to give my testimony to the congregation of the church I grew up in. I was immensely terrified, as I was essentially about to come out to the rest of my church, the people who had watched me grow up since I was born. I had a lot of worst-case-scenario responses going through my head; maybe I'd be laughed at, jeered at, maybe I'd be rejected by my second family, maybe I wouldn't even allowed to be baptised today.

I was, of course, for God would not have put me through all that for nothing! He needed me in that pool, and that's where I ended up a few minutes after I came out to my church, you could say. He was with me more prevalently than I realised, through all of it, as I was told later.

My best friend's mother who had attended my baptism, a very wise woman who I have an abundance of respect and admiration for, commended me for how well I'd spoken during my testimony. She told me that I talked with the authority of God, and - yes here it is - that there were two angels standing behind me all the way through, protecting and guiding me and the words I spoke. 

I did have to double-check at the time, she did definitely say angels. I mean, angels?! I didn't know whether to feel honoured, joyful or just downright terrified! I think I ended up feeling a little of all three. Retrospectively, come to think of it, I can't really remember any part of my testimony, so someone else must have been in control because I certainly wasn't! But knowing that I was under that much protection, and that I was actually that important to have angels (I mean, come on, angels) standing behind me - well, it made that day all the more amazing.

Back to my talk though. It only happened again. This time, another person came and spoke to me afterwards; a totally different woman, who would have had no way of knowing what had happened on the day of my baptism. She told me I spoke with complete authority from God, and that there were two angels standing behind me from the moment I got up to speak, sealing my words with this divine power.

Okay, so once is mind-boggling, but twice!? I thanked the person who told me this, whilst practically doing cartwheels of excitement and fear and joy and confusion in my mind. How on earth could God have a reason for sending angels to stand behind me, of all people, the gay one, the young and inexperienced one, how is this possible?!

I've learnt fairly quickly in the time I've been on this journey, particularly with being gay, that there are so many questions we can never know the answers to - or not now in this life, anyway. For some people this isn't enough, and that's more than understandable, and there are some answers that I will never stop yearning for. But, with some things, I find myself feeling at peace with the knowledge that God knows, and he's got it all sorted, and that's all I need to know.

So, with the angels, I have absolutely no idea why they happened to be standing behind me on the two occasions when I spoke alone in front of a congregation at church. Also, it's a little infuriating that they seem to like standing behind me where I can't see them, but thinking about this seriously, I think if I did actually see them I'd faint or something dramatic and unnecessary like that, which stands as more proof that God knows what he's doing and I don't.

But they were, and there was a reason, and it's utterly mind-blowing. I will most definitely let you know if it happens again! And if you know me and happen to see two angels standing behind me on an occasion, please inform me in a relatively calm manner - that would be very much appreciated.

This is the passage I spoke on, I thought I'd add it in just in case anyone was interested. I hope someone found my insights useful! And if not, I had quite an eventful evening regardless.

'In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

6 Who, being in very nature God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
7 rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!

9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
    and gave him the name that is above every name,
10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
    to the glory of God the Father.

The Calling To An Ordinary Life.

Firstly I'd like to apologise for leaving such a long gap between posts! I'm hoping to make this a kind of habit, and not something I start and never finish ( because I tend to be better at the latter and not the former unfortunately).

Soul Survivor, where to begin? It was fantastic and perhaps unexpectedly emotional week; I went with a view to have a standard experience there, attending seminars and learning all I can to equip myself as much as I could for next year. And, in other words, draw as less attention to myself as possible. I certainly did that, but God sort of had other plans, as He usually does.

I found myself being very overcome with emotion quite frequently throughout the week, which is quite a big deal as I like to think I'm really not someone who expresses their emotions at all! I felt as if God was breaking me, as they say 'breaking my heart for what breaks His', not for any reason that I'm aware of yet, but it allowed me to break down and be comforted in His presence in a way I've never dealt with before. It was refreshing, and at the same time incredibly confusing and draining - even retrospectively, I really have no idea what happened! But as much as I'm yearning to discover all the right questions I have about faith (rather than the answers, referring to a quote from Tom Wright - wonderful theologian), and I'm hoping my course at University will help with that, at the moment I'm quite content to not have any clear knowledge about some things, because that's not how God works. I know He's got me, and He understands me better than I understand myself; that's all I need to know.

Besides this, I learnt a lot too regarding leadership and communication, about hearing God's voice, and surrounding a lot of other things that I'm sure I'll talk about later. There was a lot of information and encouragement for prospective University students too, which was invaluable! I met another girl who was hoping to study Media at Salford University, and we got on really well; one of my insecurities about University is my potential inability to make friends and talk to new people, but gaining a friend encouraged me quite a lot. Maybe I'm not so bad at making conversation and finding common ground with a person as I thought! I've also linked up to the Christian Union at Lancaster University and had my email address shared with the churches there through Fusion, a Christian organisation for students that provided me with a lot of support at Soul Survivor that I also wasn't expecting! Here's the link for anyone who's reading and might be interested.

At a point during the week I felt particularly called to give my life to God, completely. I had an inkling that I might be called to do something specific in the future that would require me to be utterly dependent on God, serving His purpose somehow and sharing His message of hope and unconditional love to those who feel lost and disconnected to this world. Now I feel totally inadequate to do this; I'm nothing special, I'm far from special, believe me! But I realised that I couldn't live for God as I am now, on my own, just like no-one else can. It is the piece of God inside of me, inside of everyone, in the form of the Holy Spirit, that will enable me to follow the path that God wants me to walk for Him. I was fairly relieved at this, and had another overwhelming moment thinking how amazing God is.

When I got back, I shared this with a wise and very treasured friend of mine, this time including my partly selfish fears that perhaps if God called me to live for him, then I'd never enjoy or experience the things that I was most looking forward to in the future, such as having a family. She told me something that gave me not only further relief but a stronger sense of purpose; she said that a lot of the time as Christians we tend to glorify the people that make the 'biggest' sacrifices to follow God's calling and carry out Jesus' mission, like the missionaries that go to foreign countries, or the people who leave behind their wealth and sometimes their families to do what they think is right. These people are rightly commended, for what they do is incredible (my aunt was a missionary in Congo some years ago, and she's an incredible woman!), but often we forget to commend the extraordinary within the ordinary. What she meant was, there are people who live very ordinary lives all over the world, who have a family, a career, a house, a mortgage, a dog/cat/etc, who still manage to live entirely for God, which is equally quite a hard thing to do. Living as a Christian in any circumstance is hard, because we have to essentially live and participate in a world that we can't conform to, amongst people that will laugh at us and call us stupid (and that's a nice word to use).

So as much as we glorify the extraordinary, we should also not underestimate the struggles of the ordinary. I might be called to live an extraordinary life for God, I haven't a clue what my future involves yet - similarly, I might be called to live an ordinary life with a family and career, yet in an extraordinary way still for the glory of God, which may be just as challenging. We shall have to see!