In less than a month, I shall be leaving for university. I have no clue as to where my summer has gone. It seems, as per usual, change is creeping up on me at a pace that I'm both uncomfortable with and powerless to stop.
My grades were fairly good, and despite a slight bit of drama on the day I'm now actually going to Lancaster. It doesn't feel real, and I guess it won't until my parents drive back home and leave me there. I'm imagining that it might feel like the time when I took part in a German Exchange programme with my school a few years ago; I got into the car with the mother of my German host, and suddenly the friends and teachers that I trusted (and spoke English) were fading away and it dawned on me quite heavily that I was alone, in a foreign country, with people I didn't know, and there was nothing I could do to get out of it. I got myself (willingly, somehow) into this situation, so I had to see it through, albeit with gritted teeth and the little German I'd remembered from my classroom that was even further away than my friends.
I'm sure it won't be that dramatic this time. But that's the thing; I'm the eldest child, and I have absolutely no idea what to expect from this experience. I'm sure it'll be fine, as most things are, as I am when I eventually get used to things. It's just a little disconcerting that most of my friends are incredibly excited by the 40p Ikea kitchen utensils and 2 for 1 Pizza Hut vouchers that have presented themselves with our university acceptances, and not one of them is as nervous as I am.
I have to keep actively reminding myself that God is going with me, as He goes with me everywhere. It's at times like these though that the lack of God's physical presence seems to grow larger than His spiritual presence; I hate writing these doubts down, I feel like I should be satisfied with everything God gives me but sometimes the fear takes hold and the certainties you had before seem absurd now and nothing makes sense anymore.
I'm praying I'll meet a Christian on my first day. I'm praying that no-one will have an issue with the fact that I might attend the LGBT events and the Christian Union. I'm praying that I'll find a church I can feel comfortable and accepted in, and that I'll find it fairly soon. I'm praying that I'll find a job too, and a few solid friends, and a variety of good friends, and that I won't lose myself during Freshers Week, and that I love my course, and that I don't have too many books to read, and that I don't die of food poisoning or run out of money in my first week. And I'm praying that God will open doors and perhaps use me and my insecurities in ways that I haven't even dreamed of yet.
So even though I'm doubting that God is actually present, I'm still asking for quite a lot of things. I'm a bit of an idiot really. How can we be so flawed, and yet ask for so much? How can God even look at us and how tainted we've become, let alone listen to us? His grace astounds me every day. It shouldn't be true. it's too good a reality to exist. But He does.
People argue that a world without God is by far a better place; its better to have no God rather than a God who allows suffering to happen and who controls our lives like a relentless and detached puppetmaster. But can't anyone see? He has to deal with all of us at our worst, full of sin and hatred and human imperfection, yet still He loves us. And this isn't just love as we understand it, beautiful but sometimes a bit unreliable and limited, centered around the giver and not the receiver; no, the love that God has for us is completely unconditional, faultless to the point that we could never hope to return it in the same way but He doesn't expect it back. He died for us, Jesus was crucified and experienced the worst pain imaginable so that we wouldn't have to know what it felt like ourselves, even though we deserve it ten times over.
How on earth can we argue, therefore, that the world would be a better place if Jesus hadn't died for us? If God hadn't shook the world by its shoulders on that day and sacrificed himself out of a burning love for us? How do people survive, how do they breathe without it? How do they sleep at night believing that only darkness waits for them after falling from death's precipice? How can they stand living in a world that is void of any true, unfailing light that can't even be touched, let alone dimmed or overshadowed?
I used to think I knew what life was like for a time without God, but I had no idea. I just wanted to rule the world without thinking of the terrifying consequences that came with the notion that I didn't have a clue about what was best for me. I'll hold my hands up and admit it, I need God more than I'll ever need anything, and if that makes me weak in the eyes of some then so be it. But you just watch me rise with God by my side, and you won't say it then, because truly I am weak but it is God who makes me strong.
It is this strength that I'm going to need over the next few months, and its not going to come from alcohol or money or new clothes. I just need to keep reminding myself of that! I'm just overwhelming fortunate that my God is patient enough to put up with the times when I forget He's with me, and He knows what's best.
My girlfriend said a few months back that, being an Atheist, she felt like she'd 'taken the red pill' for those of you who have seen the Matrix, and believed that she lived in the reality that God didn't exist, and everything I believed in wasn't real. I completely respect what she thinks, and the fact that she has her own opinion on just about everything is something that attracted me to her in the first place (hiding your opinions in a Religious Studies class isn't really an option). But, in my opinion, I'm the one that swallowed the red pill, and reality isn't half as bad as the Matrix makes it out to be, let me tell you. Reality doesn't have to be a cold and harsh concept; reality is Jesus, and it's about as warm and hopeful as it gets here. Not the all the time, for don't get me wrong, life is hard, but living with a belief in Jesus is living with a permanent silver lining in your heart, and it''s pretty good.
I'm aware I've been rambling for quite a while now; it's nice to splurge your insecurities and thoughts every now and again, but not everyone wants to know about it! I apologise if everything you've just read makes no sense too. Let me know, and I'll try and explain it a bit better. But, yes, take the red pill, people. It's worth it.
My grades were fairly good, and despite a slight bit of drama on the day I'm now actually going to Lancaster. It doesn't feel real, and I guess it won't until my parents drive back home and leave me there. I'm imagining that it might feel like the time when I took part in a German Exchange programme with my school a few years ago; I got into the car with the mother of my German host, and suddenly the friends and teachers that I trusted (and spoke English) were fading away and it dawned on me quite heavily that I was alone, in a foreign country, with people I didn't know, and there was nothing I could do to get out of it. I got myself (willingly, somehow) into this situation, so I had to see it through, albeit with gritted teeth and the little German I'd remembered from my classroom that was even further away than my friends.
I'm sure it won't be that dramatic this time. But that's the thing; I'm the eldest child, and I have absolutely no idea what to expect from this experience. I'm sure it'll be fine, as most things are, as I am when I eventually get used to things. It's just a little disconcerting that most of my friends are incredibly excited by the 40p Ikea kitchen utensils and 2 for 1 Pizza Hut vouchers that have presented themselves with our university acceptances, and not one of them is as nervous as I am.
I have to keep actively reminding myself that God is going with me, as He goes with me everywhere. It's at times like these though that the lack of God's physical presence seems to grow larger than His spiritual presence; I hate writing these doubts down, I feel like I should be satisfied with everything God gives me but sometimes the fear takes hold and the certainties you had before seem absurd now and nothing makes sense anymore.
I'm praying I'll meet a Christian on my first day. I'm praying that no-one will have an issue with the fact that I might attend the LGBT events and the Christian Union. I'm praying that I'll find a church I can feel comfortable and accepted in, and that I'll find it fairly soon. I'm praying that I'll find a job too, and a few solid friends, and a variety of good friends, and that I won't lose myself during Freshers Week, and that I love my course, and that I don't have too many books to read, and that I don't die of food poisoning or run out of money in my first week. And I'm praying that God will open doors and perhaps use me and my insecurities in ways that I haven't even dreamed of yet.
So even though I'm doubting that God is actually present, I'm still asking for quite a lot of things. I'm a bit of an idiot really. How can we be so flawed, and yet ask for so much? How can God even look at us and how tainted we've become, let alone listen to us? His grace astounds me every day. It shouldn't be true. it's too good a reality to exist. But He does.
People argue that a world without God is by far a better place; its better to have no God rather than a God who allows suffering to happen and who controls our lives like a relentless and detached puppetmaster. But can't anyone see? He has to deal with all of us at our worst, full of sin and hatred and human imperfection, yet still He loves us. And this isn't just love as we understand it, beautiful but sometimes a bit unreliable and limited, centered around the giver and not the receiver; no, the love that God has for us is completely unconditional, faultless to the point that we could never hope to return it in the same way but He doesn't expect it back. He died for us, Jesus was crucified and experienced the worst pain imaginable so that we wouldn't have to know what it felt like ourselves, even though we deserve it ten times over.
How on earth can we argue, therefore, that the world would be a better place if Jesus hadn't died for us? If God hadn't shook the world by its shoulders on that day and sacrificed himself out of a burning love for us? How do people survive, how do they breathe without it? How do they sleep at night believing that only darkness waits for them after falling from death's precipice? How can they stand living in a world that is void of any true, unfailing light that can't even be touched, let alone dimmed or overshadowed?
I used to think I knew what life was like for a time without God, but I had no idea. I just wanted to rule the world without thinking of the terrifying consequences that came with the notion that I didn't have a clue about what was best for me. I'll hold my hands up and admit it, I need God more than I'll ever need anything, and if that makes me weak in the eyes of some then so be it. But you just watch me rise with God by my side, and you won't say it then, because truly I am weak but it is God who makes me strong.
It is this strength that I'm going to need over the next few months, and its not going to come from alcohol or money or new clothes. I just need to keep reminding myself of that! I'm just overwhelming fortunate that my God is patient enough to put up with the times when I forget He's with me, and He knows what's best.
My girlfriend said a few months back that, being an Atheist, she felt like she'd 'taken the red pill' for those of you who have seen the Matrix, and believed that she lived in the reality that God didn't exist, and everything I believed in wasn't real. I completely respect what she thinks, and the fact that she has her own opinion on just about everything is something that attracted me to her in the first place (hiding your opinions in a Religious Studies class isn't really an option). But, in my opinion, I'm the one that swallowed the red pill, and reality isn't half as bad as the Matrix makes it out to be, let me tell you. Reality doesn't have to be a cold and harsh concept; reality is Jesus, and it's about as warm and hopeful as it gets here. Not the all the time, for don't get me wrong, life is hard, but living with a belief in Jesus is living with a permanent silver lining in your heart, and it''s pretty good.
I'm aware I've been rambling for quite a while now; it's nice to splurge your insecurities and thoughts every now and again, but not everyone wants to know about it! I apologise if everything you've just read makes no sense too. Let me know, and I'll try and explain it a bit better. But, yes, take the red pill, people. It's worth it.
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