It scares me how easy it is to let everything go, and 'go off the rails' as they say. Literally, it would take me a few weeks at best to turn my life completely upside down. I could do that. I have the power to do that. Its probably just about the only thing I have the power to do right now.
Thinking about it, it therefore doesn't surprise me why so many young people do take a nose-dive in life. Personally, I could get totally wasted every night on not a lot of money and without walking for more than five minutes. If I wanted drugs, I know exactly who to talk to. I can pinpoint every bridge or tall building I could jump off. I could quit my university course in a day. I could lock my door, and if I disappeared I doubt anyone would think anything of it for at least two days.
All of these things, and the amount of times I think about them, absolutely terrify me. It seems like we have to climb a mountain every day to achieve things in life, sometimes even just to get out of bed, but ruin our lives completely? Barely any effort at all.
That's where I feel like I am now. I'm on an edge. I'm peering over a precipice, and I could lean one way or the other. I have expectations and the people I love pulling me one way, but the colossal amount of fucking mistakes and bad choices I make and the lack of motivation I have and the worthlessness and the darkness and all the shitty pain and insecurities pulling me the other way.
Some people would laugh. I've been through barely anything compared to other people, I have a great life, I have nothing to complain about, and they're right.
But there's this pit. It's dark, it's cold, and it's sucking me in. My vision is turning to grey, and I'm struggling to sleep without nightmares each night. Breathing hurts, and the people who can support me are too far away, or I've pushed them that far because I keep doing stupid fucking things. I don't know how to change, and \i don't know what to do.
So the other side of this precipice, it feels closer.
And I'm so, so scared.
Thinking about it, it therefore doesn't surprise me why so many young people do take a nose-dive in life. Personally, I could get totally wasted every night on not a lot of money and without walking for more than five minutes. If I wanted drugs, I know exactly who to talk to. I can pinpoint every bridge or tall building I could jump off. I could quit my university course in a day. I could lock my door, and if I disappeared I doubt anyone would think anything of it for at least two days.
All of these things, and the amount of times I think about them, absolutely terrify me. It seems like we have to climb a mountain every day to achieve things in life, sometimes even just to get out of bed, but ruin our lives completely? Barely any effort at all.
That's where I feel like I am now. I'm on an edge. I'm peering over a precipice, and I could lean one way or the other. I have expectations and the people I love pulling me one way, but the colossal amount of fucking mistakes and bad choices I make and the lack of motivation I have and the worthlessness and the darkness and all the shitty pain and insecurities pulling me the other way.
Some people would laugh. I've been through barely anything compared to other people, I have a great life, I have nothing to complain about, and they're right.
But there's this pit. It's dark, it's cold, and it's sucking me in. My vision is turning to grey, and I'm struggling to sleep without nightmares each night. Breathing hurts, and the people who can support me are too far away, or I've pushed them that far because I keep doing stupid fucking things. I don't know how to change, and \i don't know what to do.
So the other side of this precipice, it feels closer.
And I'm so, so scared.
