Not the actual man, I'm not having mysterious dreams or anything. None that involve him in any case.
No, the film, with Russell Crowe and Emma Watson. It was really, really good - it was an interpretation, and I don't know how I feel about the angels that looked like talking rocks and the CGI babies, but aside from a few tiny things, I really enjoyed it. It made me relax, which is something I'm having trouble with at the moment. But it also made me think, and that's never good.
It made me think about why I'm here. Why I'm me. Why God, or the Creator as He's been referred to as this evening, made me the way I am.
What purpose could I possibly have as a gay woman? I know that I was born like this, I'm certain of it. I can't change that, either, and at this point in my life I can honestly say that I don't want to change.
However, watching the film tonight and the issues that are involved, it seems clear to me that God created women, and men, for a reason. They are compatible, they are suited, they make sense. Even without the purpose of procreation, there's a sense of a 'clean fit' between them. So why on earth did God create gay people?
Now gay men and women have relationships that are just as healthy and fulfilling as heterosexual relationships. Is that the only reason that we exist as we do, though? To have and share and enjoy relationships, that's it?
Maybe that's true, actually. Maybe I just needed to write my thoughts and doubts down so that they make sense. That is the only reason we're here, isn't it? To share in happy, healthy relationships with people, all kinds of people.
There is no place for me in Noah's story, and maybe not in the entire Bible. But if the Bible did show one thing, it displayed the diversity of human kind. I believe that my type of diversity was hidden underneath verse after verse, and behind characters like an anonymous slave or an ambiguous thorn in the side of a well known protagonist.
There was little room for Ham in Noah's story, too, but he was still in God's plan. So that must mean I am too, right?
God must be okay with the fact that I was paying more attention to Emma Watson than Logan Lerman this evening, or else I wouldn't be here. Whether or not He has a life planned for me like I presume He does for every straight person in the world is another thing entirely, though.
The foundation of our human existence that is heternormativity will continue to make me struggle with things that I feel I need to understand. But I guess only time will tell what God has in store for me, and whether being gay even matters to Him at all. I do really sometimes wish that Jesus had just mentioned homosexuality, just once - it'd make our lives so much easier! And part of me wishes that one of those many biblical protagonists had a named and gendered thorn in their side, but even if they did, we shall never know.
For now, I'll just keep smiling when Emma Watson (have I mentioned her yet?) appears on my screen, and be content with the simple side to human nature. Enough thinking and pointless rambling for one night.
No comments:
Post a Comment